I find myself more and more in situations I was not expecting.
When I was younger, I felt that by the time I reached my current age, I would have been married, had at least one kid, and content with the direction of my life. Well now at 31 and creeping closer to 32, I can honestly say that I am not sure what the future holds for me or what I want.
Single life in my early thirties is quite the endeavor. In fact, it is downright scary.
Mostly because the last time I was not in a serious relationship, I was still an undergraduate. We are talking over a dozen years ago, people. A LOT HAS CHANGED IN THE DATING WORLD! Technology is far more pervasive and involved in dating. Back in the day, AIM was the way to chat with people. Texting was still pretty new to the dating game. Snapchat, Facebook, Tinder (I’m not on that), and online dating sites were all years away and figments of one’s imagination. All of that shit is intimidating and feels awkward. It’s like fumbling for a light switch in the dark when you start in the center of the room and you are in a stranger’s house.
Not to mention, until somewhat recently I had been sober for a period of time, so going to bars and happy hours, weren’t necessarily on my list of fun activities. Being surrounded by drunk people when you are the only sober one is excruciatingly annoying. I drink again, but still don’t find the bar scene to be all that appealing. I am more likely to grab a casual drink with friends after work or practice. The going out to meet people in these environments does not sound exciting in the least. It’s just not my cup of tea anymore.
Part of me doesn’t want to care about dating at all. I want to have the lasseiz faire attitude. I just want for things to be natural and happen when they happen. At the same time, I wrestle with the fact that everyday I get a slightly bit older. Each day, I find something else to fill the void I have from not being in a relationship with either work or other distractions. It helps to not think about my current situation, but over time, it is just delaying the inevitable.
I know that I want a family of my own. I think that it is one of the most important things that I can do in my lifetime. It is difficult to do that without someone else. I want to be there for someone through pain and turmoil and times of joy and elation. I want to share my life with someone else and for that person to share her life with me.
A large part of my situation is that I have lost confidence. Well, if we are keeping it 100, I never had much to begin with outside of the liquid courage kind. Proximity in college made things easy. I like to believe that I slowly wore people down, but in a good way (definitely not in a creepy way). It takes me time to feel comfortable and natural around someone (again, alcohol can some times facilitate and accelerate that process), and therefore, the less I am around someone, then the less chance they get to know me. In college, you are frequently around the same people on a consistent basis. It is tougher to hide the more “odd” parts of one’s personality. But at the same time, it is the “odd” things that make us interesting, unique, and ultimately attracted to others.
Right now, I don’t feel comfortable approaching women/strangers. *STRANGER DANGER!* Just the concept in general, it all seems so foreign to me. Part of it stems from not knowing quite what I currently want. I know the end goal. I haven’t figured out the path to reach that point. It’s all extremely frustrating. I want to try, but I keep throwing up hurdles to my own happiness. The part that makes is more annoying is that these barriers are both subconscious and conscious.
I KNOW THAT I AM DOING IT!
There is this abnormal self-sabotaging situation to it all. Maybe I just don’t want to go through the same thing I recently experienced, so subconsciously I am making it far more difficult than it needs to be. It also doesn’t help that I am naturally self-deprecating and harder on myself. On top of all that, I tend to over analyze things. Basically, I am a neurotic nightmare who is deterring my own happiness by rejecting every potential opportunity of a relationship because I am so desperately trapped in a cycle of fear of being rejected.
PHEW! It sorta felt good to write that out. One part cathartic and two parts realization. Add a dash of honesty. Garnish with a sprig of deep self-reflection. For maximum effect, consume with two fingers of your favorite spirit and two ice cubes.
To quote one of my favorite movies of all time:
Maury: “What do we do when we fall off the horse.”
Derek: “… … … fall off the horse… … …”
Maury: “… … … we … … … get back on.”
Derek: “Sorry, Maury. I’m not a gymnast.”
I can relate to Derek Zoolander. I feel like I have to do something that I am just not capable of doing because I never had to really do it in the first place. It looks like I need to either (a) become a gymnast, (b) become ridiculously good looking, (c) gain a look like Blue Steel or Magnum, and/or (d) open a center for children who can’t read good and want to learn how to do other things good too.
Ugh… I would much rather get orange mocha frappuccinos and be in a gasoline fight.